Happy M’s day! Here is the Mom dictionary
Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the verge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained peas.
Full Name: What you call your child when you’re pissed.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they give you constant advice on raising them.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when someone swears.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still very vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by wiping it with your fingers.
Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
Two Minute Warning: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: able to whine in words
Further tips:
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When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh”, it’s already too late.
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Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.
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You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
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Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
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The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
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It will however make cats dizzy.
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Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don’t have small children.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
And finally, a series of tests for any of my blog readers who are contemplating mother/parent hood. Successful completion will indicate that you may be ready.
Mess Test: Have your significant other hide random food items in the house. You have to locate them strictly by using your keen sense of smell.
The O-Course: Obtain a 55 gallon drum of LEGOs (if LEGOs are not available, you may (substitute roofing tacks). Have someone spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom,kitchen and back again. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
PT Course (Physical Training): [The Navy Seals think they're tough because they have "hell week"?]
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until midnight. Set alarm for 2 a.m. Repeat the previous process until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
Final Assignment Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. Video tape it for future reference, and then see how this advice works for you.
